NOPE

it’s been too soon and

now i’m facing all of these

things from the summer again,

taking a chemistry class, seeing

what i studied                                                                                  with him,

taking classes with the same people

from the summer, seeing                                                                       his

ghosts in

the basement of the library           and in

the physics building                     and in

the chemistry building                 and in

the ESS building                          and in

the engineering building. 

and that’s the worst part, because for a second i forget

Reality and my heart skips a Beat and my breath

catches and i think “oh,                                                                     Michael,

hey” before i

realize that it’s february and I haven’t spoken                                    to him

since August 1st, and                                                                             he’s

in massachusetts and even if

by chance it was                                                                                     him,

would it make a

difference, no.

And in the moment

i realize this, my confidence

shatters and my stomach

turns and i’m brought back

to feeling

like a small child, ashamed

for being used like that and

for wanting it regardless. 

99% of the time I’m

fine. it’s those moments that comprise the

last 1% that fertilize the roots of

these fears i have.

I need to uproot them.

i just don’t know how.

I don’t want to get hurt

like that again.